


Mating Games - Bonus rounds

by CydSA



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: BAMF Lydia Martin, Complete crack, Drugged Stiles Stilinski, Drunk Derek, Gen, Love Potion/Spell, M/M, Scott is clueless, Sterek spotted sexing, Stiles loved his mom, The sheriff doesn't really want to know, fairytales - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-09
Updated: 2014-06-11
Packaged: 2018-01-24 03:25:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1589924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CydSA/pseuds/CydSA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ficlets written for the Mating Games challenge bonus rounds</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. See-Saw Sex

**Author's Note:**

> The Sheriff _really_ doesn't want to know

John Stilinski rubbed his eyes. "Seriously?" He looked at Parrish's well-documented report. "In the children's playground?" 

Parrish nodded grimly. "On the see-saw, Sir."

John sighed. "I don't want to know."

Parrish linked his hands behind his back and rocked on his heels. "They were naked, Sir."

John glared at him. "What part of my sentence did you not understand?"

Parrish glared back. "You're not the only one who is traumatised!" He blinked when John actually growled at him. "Sir."

John sighed. "The next time you hear snarling in the playground, let the animals tear each other apart, alright?"

Parrish nodded stiffly and stalked out of the room.

John hit speed-dial. 

"Hey, Father of the Year!" Stiles cheerful greeting did nothing to calm John down.

"Can you take a wild guess what I have in front of me?" John kept his voice even. 

"Uh, I'm awesome, but as yet incapable of seeing through time and space." Stiles was being charming. John wasn't in the mood for charming.

"This is an official call, Stiles. I have a report from Deputy Parrish on his investigation into a strange noise in the children's playground at the daycare centre." John could actually hear pennies dropping.

"Uh," Stiles gulped. "I can explain."

"Please, don't." John begged. "Just stop cavorting with your boyfriend in public places and forcing the police force to catch you in the act."

"Derek says I'm flexible." Stiles had obviously recovered.

"That's fantastic," John dead-panned. "Tell him he gets to pay a one thousand dollar fine for making you demonstrate it."

"Dad!" Stiles was still spluttering when John ended the call.

John grinned to himself. Three, two, one.... His phone rang on cue. He let it go to voicemail.

Taking a thousand dollars from Derek Hale felt like justifiable payment for the flagrant flaunting he and Stiles had managed to accomplish in their two months of dating. Today was a good day to be the Sheriff.


	2. Let Me Help You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate Argent's back. The pack could use a little help

The report lay open on his desk. Parrish couldn't bring himself to look at it any longer.

"It's a closed file." The sheriff's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Sir?" Parrish looked at his boss. John Stilinski looked tired.

"The Hale fire case," the sheriff pointed at the file in front of Parrish. "It's closed. The killer was found dead."

Parrish nodded slowly. "I know, sir."

"But?" 

"This woman," Parrish pointed at the picture of Kate Argent. "I think I've seen her around town."

John's eyes snapped up. "That's impossible."

Parrish nodded. "Yeah, cos she's dead." He paused. "I'm realising that a lot of things that should stay dead in this town, don't."

John rubbed at the back of his neck. "We have some interesting characters." He didn't say more.

"She was with that guy your son has a crush on," Parrish said, watching for the reaction.

It wasn't quite what he'd expected. "Derek Hale?" The panic in John's face was gone almost before it had arrived. 

"Hale, yeah, that's the guy." Parrish tapped at Kate Argent's photo. "They looked pretty friendly."

John wasn't listening to him. He was already on his phone, striding out of the door. Parrish scrambled to his feet, chasing after him.

"Stiles, we might have a problem." The sheriff spoke softly, but Parrish could still hear him. "Parrish saw Derek with Kate. You need to get the others and move fast. I don't know what she's got planned, but it's not likely to be good." 

Another pause and Parrish could almost hear the machine-gun fire babble of Stiles Stilinski. "You promised him," John said. "You swore you wouldn't let her get hold of him again. Stilinskis always keep their word."

Parrish ducked into a nearby office when John ended the call and looked around. 

"Francine, I'm going out for a while. I'll be on my radio and mobile," John called to the front desk as he headed for the exit.

Parrish trailed after him.

He slid into the passenger seat just as the sheriff was about to drive out of the parking lot. "Maybe we should talk," he suggested when John looked at him in surprise. "I think I can help you."

He let the shift ease over him, teeth elongating, eyes flashing silver. "Kate will never see me coming."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles has a sleepover

Melissa opened the door, and motioned John forward. "Come on in." She smiled at him. 

"Are you sure it's okay?" John ignored Stiles' impatient bumping behind him.

She nodded. "She's had a good day," she rubbed a careful hand over Stiles' head. "Go on, sweetie, she's waiting for you."

Stiles flashed a quicksilver smile. "Thanks, Mrs. M." He hurried past her to the bed. 

Melissa left them, smiling at John, and touching his arm as she closed the door. She'd been a godsend since Claudia had come home from the hospital.

"Hi mom," Stiles stood at her bedside, waiting.

"Hey baby," Claudia Stilinski's smile was the exact same quicksilver gleam as her son's, only slightly dulled by drugs and disease. "It's late, what're you doing up?"

Stiles moved closer. "Mrs. M said I could have a sleepover here with you." He looked over at John. "I told Dad he could come too." He sounded a little begrudging.

Claudia's smile shone a little brighter, and John had to look away. "You're spending your birthday with me?"

Stiles nodded vigorously. Then paused. "It's not my birthday yet," he reminded her. "It's only tomorrow."

She rolled her eyes, and John's chest just hurt. Stiles was her mini-me in almost every way. "Duh." Her eyes sparkled in a way they hadn't for a while. "I know that, dork-boy. I gave birth to you, remember?"

Stiles giggled. She patted the sheet at her side. "Come on up, baby." John held back a rebuke when he saw Stiles' flailing limbs hit against Claudia's side. Her gaze forbade him to say a word.

"So, we've got s'mores and crisps and soda and I brought my Nintendo so we can play," Stiles rattled along as he made himself comfortable against his mother's side.

"That sounds about perfect." Claudia's voice was a little hoarse as she met John's eyes.

John brought out the picnic basket, putting it at the end of her bed. "How're you feeling, babe?" He could see how tired she was.

"Better," she smiled. "Got my two best boys in my bedroom, don't I?"

Stiles glared at her. "Mom, this isn't your bedroom!" 

She arched an eyebrow. "Really? So where are we then, young man?"

Stiles flung his arms open. "Mom! It's the Millenium Falcon! Can't you see?" John closed his eyes, throat working. 

"So are you Luke Skywalker then?" Claudia teased.

Stiles made a disgusted sound. "Mo-oo-om!" He poked her with a finger. "You know I'm Han Solo!"

Claudia laughed. It was the most beautiful sound John had heard in years. "Sorry, Captain Solo. I didn't recognize you in your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pjs."

Stiles giggled again. "You're so lame, Mom." He ripped open a bag of crisps. "We got cream cheese and chives, Mom. Your favourite." He settled in, dragging Claudia's arm around him. John was relegated to spectator.

 

xoxoxo

 

It was the last time Claudia Stilinksi slept in her own home.


	4. D&D Quotes Out of Context 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 quotes from this tumblr http://outofcontextdnd.tumblr.com/archive
> 
> and who could have said them

**You know what? You probably know exactly who would want to buy an erotic dragon statue.”**

Stiles grinned at Isaac, the statue with the incredibly large penis cradled in his arms. “Baby gets new wheels if I make the sale!” 

Isaac rolled his eyes. “I am not going into the witch shop, Stiles. Those women are freaking creepy.”

Stiles shook his head. “No way, dude, not the witches. Never the witches. The girls at the club are going to flip their shit when they see this horny little devil!”

 

**I stab with good reason! I stab with purpose! When I stab, I stab with my heart!"**

Stiles flailed his stick at Scott. 

Scott batted it away with a sigh. “You are going to die. Forever!”

Stiles slumped against a tree. “I’m a lover, not a fighter, dude.”

“C’mon, Stiles,” Scott pulled him up straight. “If you manage to actually get me this time, I’ll buy you a cookie dough ice-cream cup.”

With that as a possible reward, Stiles attacked again.

 

***holds up arm with huge hunk of metal stuck in it* It’s already splinted”**

Derek watched Stiles skid up to him, heartbeat going way too fast. “That’s not funny, dude.”

Derek shrugged, grasped the piece of metal sticking out of his arm and pulled. The squelching noise as his already healing flesh gave way wasn’t pretty. “See?” He dropped the metal shard to the floor. “All good.”

He was never letting Stiles forget he’d passed out like a wimp.

 

**What was the name of the ship from Titanic?”**

Stiles and Lydia stared wordlessly at Scott. Allison patted his arm gently.

“What?” Scott demanded.


	5. Derek the weregoat. Stiles the werebuffalo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2nd bonus round entry for Out of Context D&D quotes challenge 
> 
> Stiles has a little too much Vicodin. He runs his mouth off

Inspired by **You’re a weregoat. Don’t be maa-aad**

 

Stiles really liked the good drugs. Vicodin was his best friend. Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. Melissa was the best. His side barely registered on the ache-o-meter.

He clutched at his pillow. “Hey baby,” he murmured, pressing his lips into its pillowy softness. “How you doin’?”

He had good memories of his make-out sessions with his pillow. She had taught him how to kiss.

“What the hell?” Stiles lifted his head when he heard Derek’s voice.

“Hey, sourwolf, how’s it hanging?” He waved a limp hand. “To the left?” He snort-giggled into his pillow. 

“You are so very high.” Derek just sounded amused now.

“I’m like a bird,” Stiles sang. “I wanna fly awa-aa-aay!”

Derek sat next to him on the bed. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Stiles felt a warm hand on the back of his neck. Stiles nudged back into it.

“I’m super,” Stiles assured him.”Thoooooper.” He turned onto his back, arms flopping to his sides. “Did you shave? He lifted a hand and scrubbed at Derek’s cheek. “All smooth like a baby’s bottom.” He grinned. “That’s such a cool word. Bottom. Way better than ass.” He frowned. “Although your ass is actually worthy of poetry.” He looked at Derek. “I could write you a sonnet to your ass,” he offered sincerely.

Derek’s ears were red. It was fucking adorable. “Thanks, a personal Stiles sonnet is on my bucket list.”

Stiles nodded. “To your magnificent ass, man.” Derek needed to remember the subject at hand.

“Okay,” Derek agreed.

Stiles squinted at him. “If you weren’t a werewolf, what would you be?” 

Derek seemed a little thrown at the abrupt change of topic. “What?”

Stiles made an impatient gesture, annoyed with Derek not keeping up. “I’d be a werecat,” he confided. “Not a Kate-cat, obviously. A weretiger.” He sat up suddenly. “Or a werebuffalo.” He beamed at Derek. “I’d totally rock a werebuffalo.”

Derek stared at him, obviously amazed at his genius. “A werebuffalo,” Derek repeated.

“Right?” Stiles nodded. 

Derek grabbed his flailing hands. “Stop moving, Stiles. You’re going to tear your stitches.”

“Stitches, bitches,” Stiles mehhed. “I need to practise my werebuffalo cry.”

“Your…” Derek had constipated!face again. Stiles had missed constipated!face.

Stiles tried to make a werebuffalo noise. It came out sounding like a snotty cow. He was going to have to spend a lot of time practising.

Derek’s shoulders were shaking. Because he was an asshole! 

Stiles tried to pull his hands away. “Pfft, you could never be a werebuffalo.” Stiles was completely sure of that. Nobody could rock the amount of awesome needed to be a werebuffalo than Stiles. “Werewolves are so two thousand and late.”

“You should rest,” Derek told him, eyes bright and mouth smiling.

“Not tired,” Stiles insisted. “Kiss me!”

“What?” Derek went from grinning to horrified in half a second. It was like a super-power.

Stiles glared at him. “I’m a totally amazing kisser.” He was. Pillow could testify. 

“You should just shut up,” Derek told him.

“You’d be a weregoat,” Stiles decided, forgetting about his kissing prowess for a moment. “Like Billy Goat Gruff, only you’d actually eat people.”

Derek growled. “See!” Stiles was totally justified. “The growling and the claws.” He would have done the claws but Derek was still holding his hands.

“I’m a fucking werewolf Stiles.” Derek dropped Stiles hands, and pushed him back down on the bed, one big hand holding him in place. “I’m supposed to have claws.”

Stiles tried to wriggle away. Inappropriate boners resulting from sourwolf assholes holding him down were not cool. “Dude,” he protested. “Don’t be maa-aad, cos I called you a weregoat!”

Derek held Stiles’ pillow over his face while he squawked. Weregoats were as bad as werewolves.

Derek yanked the pillow away, leaned down and kissed him. When he pulled back, he was glaring at Stiles.

“Rude!” Stiles yelled. “I wasn’t ready.” He made grabby hands at Derek. “C’mon sourgoat, once more with feeling.”


	6. WolfShine is a Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles cooks up WolfShine. Best. Recipe. Ever.

The joy of watching Derek, Isaac and Scott get fall down, stupid, shit-faced drunk was priceless.

This batch of what Stiles called WolfShine, packed a serious punch.

Good thing they were far out in the preserve. Naked wrestling with inappropriate hair-sprouting would have been tough to explain.

Stiles leaned against Lydia, sipping his drink. They'd been nursing one glass of WolfShine for the night and were pleasantly buzzed.

“You're going to have to give me that recipe,” Lydia told him, hiccuping delicately. “I'm going to take some for Jackson when I visit him in the summer.”

Stiles tipped his glass at her. “For you, queen of my heart, anything.”

Derek dropped out of a tree in front of him. Stiles did _not_ shriek. He merely gasped. Loudly.”Good shit,” Derek grinned, all teeth and side-burns.

“I'm going to be relishing your pain tomorrow,” Stiles told him, grimacing when Derek kissed him. “Ugh, you taste like bunnies.”

“I fuck like one too,” Derek told him.

When Stiles demanded a demonstration, Lydia fled. 

Derek was completely right. Stiles' ass twinged for days. It was amazing.

Stiles sent a copy of the WolfShine recipe to Lydia and uploaded it to his iCloud. He didn't want to take any chance of losing the cocktail. It helped to have a secret weapon when surrounded by werewolves.


	7. Lydia Steps In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lydia has had enough of Stiles & Derek pussy-footing around.

Lydia grinned to herself. She was a freaking goddess.

Derek's eyes were wild with confusion, but he couldn't keep his hands off Stiles.

Stiles seemed entirely okay with that.

Lydia dialled Morgana, "You are the best."

Morgana's laugh was low and made Lydia shiver. Jackson's new BFF was a lethal combination of sexy and deadly. "Told you." 

"I might actually go blind will all of the PDA happening in front of me," Lydia confessed. 

"I'm sure you'll survive," Morgana said. "See you in a month."

Lydia ended the call and walked over to Scott. "Don't worry, sweetie, it'll wear off," she assured him.

Scott's eyes were wide and tragic as he looked at her. "I can't _ever_ unsee this."

Lydia tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and led him away from the spectacle of Derek trying to actually eat Stiles' face. "Love potions only work if there is actual feeling," she told Scott.

He gaped at her. "You drugged them?"

She rolled her eyes. "A harmless little recipe for expanding on their already ridiculous lust for each other isn't going to do them any harm." She turned her head to look back at them. Stiles was literally climbing Derek. She was vaguely impressed with his limberness. 

"You are truly evil, Lyds," Scott shook his head. "Remind me never to piss you off."

Lydia curled a strand of hair around her finger. "I've a recipe for that too. Just in case." 

It was gratifying how quickly Scott went pale.


	8. Meeting Lydia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Stiles met Lydia

Lydia was a queen long before she actually got her crown at homecoming.

Stiles knew this the moment he met her.

When she pushed his face down into the mud and used his body to step over the dirt.

Stiles was seven. And in love.

It didn't change for ten years.

Until Derek pushed his face down into the pillow and used his body to reach the stars.


End file.
